I love my kids, so don’t get all up in arms when I say that I don’t like babies. But at the same time, the title is not referring to other babies that aren’t my own… oh I don’t like babies in general, my own included.
Thing 1 is 2.5 years old now and Thing 2 was born almost 2 months ago and you quickly forget how much babies suck. They don’t do anything and they just annoy the shit out of you constantly. If I could just fast forward in time to when Thing 2 is the same age that Thing 1 is now, I would do it in a heartbeat. I seriously don’t get when people say that they love babies… the only thing I can think of is that they love “babies” in general, and not babies that have to sleep, eat, and shit in their own homes, while someone watches them 24/7. Because those babies suck… seriously.
And it’s truly amazing how the human brain makes you forget all of the annoying things that come along with having a baby, so that it can trick you into continuing to repopulate and keep the human race alive for another generation. Because honestly, if I had remembered how shitty it was to have a baby around the house, I might have reconsidered having Thing 2… ok, that’s a lie. While I definitely don’t remember all of this bullshit when it came to Thing 1, I wouldn’t trade Thing 2 for anything in the world.
Like I said, I love my kids.
I remember a friend of a friend talking to us at a BBQ over the summer two years ago and him and his wife had also had a baby around the same time that my wife and I had Thing 1, and I specifically remember him saying that when his son was born he didn’t like him… just flat out didn’t like him. And I’m not sure if our kid was just a bit older at this point or what, but I honestly didn’t remember not liking Thing 1 when it was born, so I was a little taken aback by his statement about his son. However, now that Thing 2 is here, I definitely see where he was coming from.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I don’t like Thing 2, but I understand why this guy would have said that now, more so than when we were talking about it 2 years ago. And funny enough, that guy just had another kid too, just a couple days after Thing 2 was born… I wonder if he remembers how much he hated his first kid.
But anyways, I do love my kids, and despite the fact that I don’t like the baby stage in any capacity, I do love our new baby. It’s just super annoying that the kid can’t tell you what they want, or sit up, or move, or do anything productive for themselves, and instead just lays around shitting its pants while waiting for us to feed him… it’s just annoying, kid needs to get a job already.
I know there are definitely people out there that love babies, and do truly love their own babies and raising babies, and all things babies, but I am not one of those people.
Honestly, I love toddlers.
I would take Terrible Two’s over Bullshit Babies any day of the week. Temper tantrums, not eating their dinner, biting other kids, talking back… I would gladly deal with that stuff over the baby stuff in a heartbeat. At least my toddler can tell me what it wants, even if sometimes it comes in between gasps of air while crying, or in the form of yelling and screaming, but at least I know what’s wrong. With the baby it’s just a scream at the top of the lungs that equates to one of a million things… there’s no change in pitch for hunger vs. diaper change, there’s no pattern in the wailing to tell us if it’s hot or cold… it’s just one setting – nails on a chalkboard, loud as fuck… and even louder at 3 in the morning.
Everyone keeps telling us to cherish these times because they don’t stay little forever, and while I get the sentiment behind that statement, those people can take their advice and shove it. I want the time to pass as fast as possible for the next 6 months so that we can start doing things again and enjoying being parents. My wife and I love being parents, and we love taking Thing 1 to do things and experience things it’s never experienced before, but now that Thing 2 came along, it’s like we just kinda gotta wait it out, and Thing 1 suffers a little bit because Thing 2 is holding it back.
We do still make an effort to get out and do things with just Thing 1, and try to get both of the kids out of the house to do things, but Thing 2 is not even 2 months old and we’re already going a bit crazy over here, so I definitely wouldn’t mind skipping all this baby stuff and getting right to the fun stuff.
Also, how come nobody reminded me how much a baby shits in a day? This kid is gonna shit us out of house and home over here with the amount of diapers it goes through on a daily basis. I swear we’re averaging like a case of 88 diapers a week right now…
And I’m sure some people out there will say, “oh, well why don’t you use cloth diapers instead to save money?”, and to that I would say… first of all I find the idea of cloth diapers absolutely disgusting, and second of all, I feel like our inflated water bill from having to do laundry all the time, would negate any savings generated by not using disposable diapers in lieu of cloth ones… but maybe I’m wrong.
Ugh, have I mentioned yet that I don’t like babies?